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Picture
A publishing agent slips slowly into madness and increasingly
​abuses his secretary, all while thinking he's turning into a vampire.
COMEDY

Vampire's Kiss ​(1988)

Directed by Robert Bierman

Written by Joseph Minion

Starring Nicolas Cage, Maria Conchita Alonso, ​Jennifer Beals, Elizabeth Ashley, Kasi Lemmons

Connor Eyzaguirre
​September 14, 2016
3/10
Vampire's Kiss is American Psycho without the charm and sophistication. It's billed as a comedy, but apart from Nic Cage's random meltdowns, there's nothing funny about it. It's extremely dark, far more than I expected, and doesn't have nearly enough wit or mockery to be considered a black comedy. Cage's performance is a taste of things to come, as he hams it up through the ceiling and shows us the most despicable character he has ever played, psychotic publishing agent/wannabe vampire Peter Loew. By the way, yes this is the source of the "You Don't Say?" meme. It's about the only funny thing to come out of this travesty.

Peter Loew is a horrible protagonist and an even worse human being. Throughout the movie, he emotionally and physically abuses his naive secretary Alva and ultimately rapes her in a stairwell because he's completely insane. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't the protagonist supposed to be the one the audience relates to? You know, the guy to help us along this wacky adventure? After witnessing this maniac scream at his subordinates, rape a woman, and finally murder somebody in a nightclub, I'd forgotten what we're supposed to be feeling about him. Hell, you'd be hard-pressed to find a shred of plot anywhere in here. It's like someone wanted to make a black comedy but they had no sense of humor.

The only enjoyable parts of this film are the random moments when Nic Cage would erupt in a frenzy of overacting, a trend he continues to this day. Some of these have since become synonymous with his name, which is good because this film could've easily derailed his career much earlier than his accountant did. Vampire's Kiss is an infuriating, unfunny, trainwreck of a film that deserves to be buried deep down in the dregs of Nicolas Cage's filmography right on top of The Wicker Man and never dug up again. Even by his standards, this is a disaster.

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