2019 Emmys Summary
By Austin Johnson
The 71st Emmys and Homer Simpson is on the stage. Alright, I’m interested. Wait, he fell through the floor! And that introduces Anthony Anderson who is yelling about how he is shiny. He’s stealing trophies and giving them to his grandma… I don’t know what that was about, but Cranston is on the stage now. He’s talking about the history of television and it’s wonderful. His bow tie is exquisite. I sure as hell can’t pull it off. I got caught up in the big montage of shows. I always get chills when they play those. The history of comedic television is being expounded on by Ben Stiller now. He’s talking about legends who have passed away and then brings up Bob Newhart, who is still alive and on the stage! And the first Emmy of the night goes to Tony Shalhoub for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. Monk! He also has a lovely bow tie on. After his speech, we find out that Thomas Lennon is going to be our live commentator. Commercial.
There’s a Family Guy bit going on now. Peter is making fun of the Emmys for rewarding Bill Cosby and Roseanne over and over haha. Amy Poehler and Catherine O'Hara both have really interesting outfits on. I’ve always loved O'Hara in Orange County. Then again, I love everyone in Orange County. And the second Emmy goes to Alex Borstein for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. That’s two for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Nick Cannon and Ken Jeong are on the stage now. What a combo, but they are taking too damn long for this bit. Haha never mind Jeong brought up Mariah! This is mostly awkward though. And the third Emmy goes to Phoebe Waller-Bridge for Best Writing in a Comedy Series. Commercial.
We are back and Lily Singh is on the stage and now she’s not. Wait, what? That was a bad transition. The fourth Emmy goes to Harry Bradbeer (holy shit what a last name) for Best Directing in a Comedy Series. That’s two for Fleabag now! I could listen to this guy talk for ages. Maya and Ike take the stage with shades on. They both claim that they just got laser surgery earlier today. Maya is so damn funny. This is the best part of the show so far. And the fifth Emmy goes to Bill fucking Hader! Let’s go! Best Actor in a Comedy Series for HBO’s Barry. He is taking his entire time on stage to thank his co creator Alec Berg. What a guy. Commercial.
Here’s a couple of big timers! Colbert and Kimmel are on the stage, receiving chants. So, clearly bow ties are more popular than I thought. They are going on about how dumb it is to not have a host. The sixth Emmy of the night goes to Phoebe again! She’s got two now, this time for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. I’d say she’s having a good night. I don’t know what this transition is either. Anyways, Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner are on the stage now. People are laughing as Kendall talks. I’m not sure if that was planned or not. She seems startled. Weird. And the seventh Emmy goes to RuPaul's Drag Race for Best Reality Series. He is the first person to bring up politics in some fashion. Took 45 minutes. That’s longer than I thought for sure. They are telling us how Game of Thrones is the most nominated drama ever. The last season is mostly average, so I don’t think that’s deserving, but whatever. Commercial.
Tim Allen is on the stage. He’s wearing a normal tie. I always knew I was more of a Woody guy. All of a sudden "Gold on the Ceiling" by The Black Keys is playing and Seth Meyers is walking to the mic. If you look away for three seconds, someone new is probably going to be on stage. Meyers is talking about GOT. There’s a GOT montage. Now, a chunk of the cast is on the stage. It’s pretty jaw dropping to see all of them. Most of that show is fucking amazing. And the eighth Emmy goes to Patricia Arquette for Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series. I have got to watch The Act. From True Romance to Boyhood, I absolutely love Patricia. Of course, she’s giving a chilling speech. She walks off to greet the GOT cast. Cool moment. The nominees for Best Directing in a Limited Series are on the screen to speed things up, I assume. And the ninth Emmy goes to Johan Renck, whose got a great getup on. Commercial.
Winners from earlier, Hader and Waller-Bridge are on the stage claiming to be the two tallest people in the building. Hader might not be the tallest, but god damn he is the funniest. And the tenth Emmy of the night goes to Ben Whishaw for Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series. I gotta check out A Very English Scandal too. Awesome casting. The nominees are on the screen right after the speech again. And Craig Mazin wins the eleventh Emmy of the night to join Johan in getting wins for Chernobyl. This time for Best Writing. Whoa, Peter Krause and Angela Bassett are on the stage to present the twelfth Emmy of the night. Best Actor in a Limited Series. Jharrel Jerome! That’s what I’m fucking talkin about! Okay, this is by far and away the moment of the night. Jerome is a fantastic actor and When They See Us is legitimately life and mind-altering. So cool. So happy for him! He called out the Exonerated 5! Epic moment! Fucking epic! The Exonerated 5 are in the audience and Jerome is getting a standing O. Wow, that right there is why I care about film and television. Commercial.
Now, we come back to James Corden on the screen. Such a fun guy. And the thirteenth Emmy goes to Bandersnatch for Best Television Movie. Bandersnatch is that Black Mirror movie. Honestly, not for me. I was bored unless Will Poulter was on the screen. It’s weird seeing Hugh Laurie without a cane. He is on the stage talking about Veep, eventually bringing the cast on stage. Now, that show ended wonderfully. A true comedic gem. Is JLD more attractive now than the Seinfeld era? And the fourteenth Emmy goes to Michelle Williams for Best Actress in a Limited Series. Michelle immediately seems like the smartest person in the room with an inspiring speech. She is so damn good at her job. Gotta love and respect her. Speaking of more people I love, Jon Hamm and Naomi Watts are on the stage to present Best Limited Series. And the Emmy goes to Chernobyl! Rackin em up! That’s three for the night. Craig Mazin is giving a quality speech about the power of storytelling. Another really cool moment. Commercial.
Okay here we go, Adam Devine musical number?! Haha fuck yeah! I think my singing voice is better than his. Pretty confident on that one. And the sixteenth Emmy goes to Last Week Tonight with John Oliver for Best Writing in a Variety Series. Well deserved. That show makes my stomach hurt from laughing. No time to waste, so the seventeenth Emmy goes to SNL for Best Variety Sketch Series. I think they’ve won that a couple times. Commercial.
Max Greenfield and Cedric The Entertainer? Who comes up with pairing these people together? They’re both great, just random as hell. Oh wait. They are in that newer show together. The Neighborhood. Okay, this makes sense now. And the eighteenth Emmy goes to Don Roy King for Best Directing in a Variety Series. He’s won like 10 times while working with SNL. My man Billy Porter is wearing a fantastic hat and presenting the Emmy for Best Variety Talk Series. And it’s John Oliver taking the win! That’s two for the best balance of hilarity and information on television. He immediately brings up how he feels significantly less glamorous than Porter. Haha, don’t we all? Commercial.
This time Chairman and CEO of the television academy, Frank Scherma is on the stage. He is just thanking everyone for watching TV. You’re welcome, man. Out of nowhere, Viola Davis is strolling on the stage with a beautiful dress and her fro all the way out. And the twentieth Emmy of the night goes to Peter Dinklage for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Jesus, he has four of those fuckers now. What a legend. Jharrel is back! He still looks shocked that he got the win earlier. And then twenty-first Emmy goes to Jesse Armstrong for Best Writing in a Drama Series. Succession is a show I do watch and my God is it entertaining. It’s produced by Adam McKay and has that Vice and Big Short feel to it. Okay, new winner in the bow tie game. Don Cheadle. Easy. And the twenty second Emmy goes to Julia Garner for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. I’ve seen Ozark as well. I enjoy the characters a lot, but her and Bateman are definitely what I remember most. Good for her. I think she has a long career ahead of her. Commercial.
Regina King is my fucking hero and she’s the perfect person to bring us into the In Memoriam segment. Halsey is killing it. Beautiful. Commercial.
Kerry Washington is on the stage to present Best Actor in a Drama Series. Her pants are shiny as hell! And the Emmy goes to Billy Porter! He’s back, this time with a new trophy and I swear to god his hat got bigger. Love that guy. He’s the first openly gay black man to win the award. Pose is a wonderful show that has taught me a shit ton about respecting myself and others. Whoa! Rare Brittany Snow appearance. The Emmy for Best Director in a Drama Series goes to Jason Bateman. What a cool career he has had. A unicorn if you will. Jesus, Gwyneth Paltrow walking out to some Stevie Wonder is a pretty badass image. And the twenty-fifth Emmy of the night goes to Jodie Comer for Best Actress in a Drama Series. Killing Eve is something that I tried out, but clearly need to again because everyone raves about it. Her and Sandra Oh were both up. Two women from the same show in the same category is always impressive to see. Commercial.
Haha oh my gosh! Norman Lear is on the stage with Marisa Tomei. Alright here we go. The big ones. The Emmy for Best Comedy Series goes to Fleabag. Hell yeah! What a night for such a creative and hilarious show. Waller-Bridge has got to just be buzzing over it all. Another heavy hitter in Michael Douglas to announce the biggest award of the night. Best Drama Series… and the Emmy goes to Game of Thrones. I mean, how could they not? It’s the biggest TV show ever. There have never been higher expectations for a show in history. Sure, the last season didn’t satisfy us, but it’s Thrones. It’s never happening again, so they had to send it off right. I understand. Commercial.
There’s a Family Guy bit going on now. Peter is making fun of the Emmys for rewarding Bill Cosby and Roseanne over and over haha. Amy Poehler and Catherine O'Hara both have really interesting outfits on. I’ve always loved O'Hara in Orange County. Then again, I love everyone in Orange County. And the second Emmy goes to Alex Borstein for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. That’s two for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Nick Cannon and Ken Jeong are on the stage now. What a combo, but they are taking too damn long for this bit. Haha never mind Jeong brought up Mariah! This is mostly awkward though. And the third Emmy goes to Phoebe Waller-Bridge for Best Writing in a Comedy Series. Commercial.
We are back and Lily Singh is on the stage and now she’s not. Wait, what? That was a bad transition. The fourth Emmy goes to Harry Bradbeer (holy shit what a last name) for Best Directing in a Comedy Series. That’s two for Fleabag now! I could listen to this guy talk for ages. Maya and Ike take the stage with shades on. They both claim that they just got laser surgery earlier today. Maya is so damn funny. This is the best part of the show so far. And the fifth Emmy goes to Bill fucking Hader! Let’s go! Best Actor in a Comedy Series for HBO’s Barry. He is taking his entire time on stage to thank his co creator Alec Berg. What a guy. Commercial.
Here’s a couple of big timers! Colbert and Kimmel are on the stage, receiving chants. So, clearly bow ties are more popular than I thought. They are going on about how dumb it is to not have a host. The sixth Emmy of the night goes to Phoebe again! She’s got two now, this time for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. I’d say she’s having a good night. I don’t know what this transition is either. Anyways, Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner are on the stage now. People are laughing as Kendall talks. I’m not sure if that was planned or not. She seems startled. Weird. And the seventh Emmy goes to RuPaul's Drag Race for Best Reality Series. He is the first person to bring up politics in some fashion. Took 45 minutes. That’s longer than I thought for sure. They are telling us how Game of Thrones is the most nominated drama ever. The last season is mostly average, so I don’t think that’s deserving, but whatever. Commercial.
Tim Allen is on the stage. He’s wearing a normal tie. I always knew I was more of a Woody guy. All of a sudden "Gold on the Ceiling" by The Black Keys is playing and Seth Meyers is walking to the mic. If you look away for three seconds, someone new is probably going to be on stage. Meyers is talking about GOT. There’s a GOT montage. Now, a chunk of the cast is on the stage. It’s pretty jaw dropping to see all of them. Most of that show is fucking amazing. And the eighth Emmy goes to Patricia Arquette for Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series. I have got to watch The Act. From True Romance to Boyhood, I absolutely love Patricia. Of course, she’s giving a chilling speech. She walks off to greet the GOT cast. Cool moment. The nominees for Best Directing in a Limited Series are on the screen to speed things up, I assume. And the ninth Emmy goes to Johan Renck, whose got a great getup on. Commercial.
Winners from earlier, Hader and Waller-Bridge are on the stage claiming to be the two tallest people in the building. Hader might not be the tallest, but god damn he is the funniest. And the tenth Emmy of the night goes to Ben Whishaw for Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series. I gotta check out A Very English Scandal too. Awesome casting. The nominees are on the screen right after the speech again. And Craig Mazin wins the eleventh Emmy of the night to join Johan in getting wins for Chernobyl. This time for Best Writing. Whoa, Peter Krause and Angela Bassett are on the stage to present the twelfth Emmy of the night. Best Actor in a Limited Series. Jharrel Jerome! That’s what I’m fucking talkin about! Okay, this is by far and away the moment of the night. Jerome is a fantastic actor and When They See Us is legitimately life and mind-altering. So cool. So happy for him! He called out the Exonerated 5! Epic moment! Fucking epic! The Exonerated 5 are in the audience and Jerome is getting a standing O. Wow, that right there is why I care about film and television. Commercial.
Now, we come back to James Corden on the screen. Such a fun guy. And the thirteenth Emmy goes to Bandersnatch for Best Television Movie. Bandersnatch is that Black Mirror movie. Honestly, not for me. I was bored unless Will Poulter was on the screen. It’s weird seeing Hugh Laurie without a cane. He is on the stage talking about Veep, eventually bringing the cast on stage. Now, that show ended wonderfully. A true comedic gem. Is JLD more attractive now than the Seinfeld era? And the fourteenth Emmy goes to Michelle Williams for Best Actress in a Limited Series. Michelle immediately seems like the smartest person in the room with an inspiring speech. She is so damn good at her job. Gotta love and respect her. Speaking of more people I love, Jon Hamm and Naomi Watts are on the stage to present Best Limited Series. And the Emmy goes to Chernobyl! Rackin em up! That’s three for the night. Craig Mazin is giving a quality speech about the power of storytelling. Another really cool moment. Commercial.
Okay here we go, Adam Devine musical number?! Haha fuck yeah! I think my singing voice is better than his. Pretty confident on that one. And the sixteenth Emmy goes to Last Week Tonight with John Oliver for Best Writing in a Variety Series. Well deserved. That show makes my stomach hurt from laughing. No time to waste, so the seventeenth Emmy goes to SNL for Best Variety Sketch Series. I think they’ve won that a couple times. Commercial.
Max Greenfield and Cedric The Entertainer? Who comes up with pairing these people together? They’re both great, just random as hell. Oh wait. They are in that newer show together. The Neighborhood. Okay, this makes sense now. And the eighteenth Emmy goes to Don Roy King for Best Directing in a Variety Series. He’s won like 10 times while working with SNL. My man Billy Porter is wearing a fantastic hat and presenting the Emmy for Best Variety Talk Series. And it’s John Oliver taking the win! That’s two for the best balance of hilarity and information on television. He immediately brings up how he feels significantly less glamorous than Porter. Haha, don’t we all? Commercial.
This time Chairman and CEO of the television academy, Frank Scherma is on the stage. He is just thanking everyone for watching TV. You’re welcome, man. Out of nowhere, Viola Davis is strolling on the stage with a beautiful dress and her fro all the way out. And the twentieth Emmy of the night goes to Peter Dinklage for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Jesus, he has four of those fuckers now. What a legend. Jharrel is back! He still looks shocked that he got the win earlier. And then twenty-first Emmy goes to Jesse Armstrong for Best Writing in a Drama Series. Succession is a show I do watch and my God is it entertaining. It’s produced by Adam McKay and has that Vice and Big Short feel to it. Okay, new winner in the bow tie game. Don Cheadle. Easy. And the twenty second Emmy goes to Julia Garner for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. I’ve seen Ozark as well. I enjoy the characters a lot, but her and Bateman are definitely what I remember most. Good for her. I think she has a long career ahead of her. Commercial.
Regina King is my fucking hero and she’s the perfect person to bring us into the In Memoriam segment. Halsey is killing it. Beautiful. Commercial.
Kerry Washington is on the stage to present Best Actor in a Drama Series. Her pants are shiny as hell! And the Emmy goes to Billy Porter! He’s back, this time with a new trophy and I swear to god his hat got bigger. Love that guy. He’s the first openly gay black man to win the award. Pose is a wonderful show that has taught me a shit ton about respecting myself and others. Whoa! Rare Brittany Snow appearance. The Emmy for Best Director in a Drama Series goes to Jason Bateman. What a cool career he has had. A unicorn if you will. Jesus, Gwyneth Paltrow walking out to some Stevie Wonder is a pretty badass image. And the twenty-fifth Emmy of the night goes to Jodie Comer for Best Actress in a Drama Series. Killing Eve is something that I tried out, but clearly need to again because everyone raves about it. Her and Sandra Oh were both up. Two women from the same show in the same category is always impressive to see. Commercial.
Haha oh my gosh! Norman Lear is on the stage with Marisa Tomei. Alright here we go. The big ones. The Emmy for Best Comedy Series goes to Fleabag. Hell yeah! What a night for such a creative and hilarious show. Waller-Bridge has got to just be buzzing over it all. Another heavy hitter in Michael Douglas to announce the biggest award of the night. Best Drama Series… and the Emmy goes to Game of Thrones. I mean, how could they not? It’s the biggest TV show ever. There have never been higher expectations for a show in history. Sure, the last season didn’t satisfy us, but it’s Thrones. It’s never happening again, so they had to send it off right. I understand. Commercial.